'Today I will be unafraid. I will enjoy what is beautiful, and believe as I give to the world, so the world will give to me'
So many things have shifted in our New World. After reading this quote online the other day, I realised that a shift in my beliefs is one of the most fundamental changes that has taken place. This is a beautiful quote and one that I would have easily identified with in the past but now I know otherwise - the world does not always give you what your 'deserve'.
After witnessing cancer consume my beautiful mother when I was 22, I still naively believed in the goodness and abundance of Life – that to a large extent, you got out of Life what you put into it. Kharma, reaping what you sow.. whatever you want to call it. But losing a child so suddenly makes you realise that you have very little control over what your days will hold, whether your day will include tragedy or joy or if your whole life journey is re-directed on a course you really don't want to be on. Sometimes life just screws you over, no matter what you do. Whether you're good or bad, do the 'right' things or not, if you spend every day in gratitude for what you have or moan incessantly about your life... it doesn't matter. Bad things happen, they can happen to anyone and just because you've experienced bad things before doesn't mean that they won't happen again - there is no 'tragedy quota' per person.
When Simon and I travelled down Africa, we were walking on a stunning section of beach in Kenya when 3 men ran down the dunes, threatened us with pangas and demanded we give them our backpack and then scattered off into the distance. I wasn't that upset about the backpack, but from then on, I constantly imagined panga-laden men lurking around every corner and I was most irritated that they had changed my perception of the world and I could no longer enjoy our trip in the same carefree way that I had before.
This time, our loss is substantially more valuable than a backpack of possessions, but aside from desperately longing for to hold my beautiful boy again, I think this loss of faith in the goodness and abundance in life is a biggest other loss for me. Will I ever be truly carefree and blissfully ignorant again? Will I be able to not think of a deadly virus lurking around with our future children? Probably not. But I can still appreciate everything I have right now in a much bigger way, right at this moment and hope for better things. And when the better things come I will treasure them that extra bit more and with a realisation of what really matters. I will rub my belly in appreciation as it grows and be truly grateful for my health and fertility, I will cuddle Simon that extra little bit and be thankful for hope -even if to hope is to risk pain.
Today I may be a little more fearful than I was before but I will try and enjoy what is still beautiful and hope with all my heart that the world has good things to give to me.
I mean isn't this just a face that reflects the goodness and abundance of life? Sunshine, grass, dirt and sunscreen, happy times...
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